Today marks my birthday, and I have officially inhabited this body on this beautiful planet for 50 years!
I have been looking forward to and dreading this day for a very long time, and now that I am 50, I do know what a very long time actually is!
In our blessed world, we live in a culture that cherishes youth, and I mean, why wouldn't you? Those young years of joyful living, no commitments, strong bodies, and learning all about the world are fleeting. Remember those long summer holidays after the school year ended? They seemed to go on forever. My grandma used to say that time speeds up as you get older, and in many ways she was right. Six weeks now seems like six blinks, so quick to disappear.
In some ways, I feel that the last few years for me have been like that. Since the pandemic hit the world in 2020, life seemed to play on super speed and also seemed to become some sort of strange Groundhog Day for me. I have always been pretty healthy and fit; Covid changed that, after not even having a cold for about 8 years, I ended up getting virus after virus. Teamed with menopause, I had managed to also find myself with several injuries, and finally, the grandest of all was the crescendo of shingles and my face being half paralysed at the end of 2023.
Since then, I have pulled back from work, concentrated heavily on my health, changed the way I eat, focused on very early nights, and mornings full of movement. I have cut out most sugar from my diet, increased my yoga, meditation, and journaling practices. 2024 is a year that needs to be all about me. My appple watch tells me I have improved my cardio vascular health from the very lowest average marker, back up to almost high! I really can feel that, no more huffing and puffing, way less aches and pains, a lot more strength.
Some of my readers might know that I have long had a fear of not growing old. My mother died when she was 50, and my dad was 57. While dad was sick all of my life, mum's illness and very swift 9-week battle with cancer took us all by surprise. She was fit, active, worked full time, and full of life until she discovered a small lump in her neck. It was such a shock when she died 9 weeks later. It rattled all of us and truly did start me on my journey of wellness and looking after my body, healthy eating and exercise became a strong focus in my life. Then as life progressed, I grew to know that I also needed to look after my mind, emotions, and spirit to truly be well.
So, as many people who have parents who leave their earthly bodies way too young, there has been an awareness of the age of 50 approaching, and this year, there are so many big numbers for me. It has been 25 years since mum died. She would have been 75 this year and I am now at the point where I have spent more time on earth without a mother than having a mother. Soon, I will have spent more time being a mother than not being a mother. It is all a bit strange, a bit sad, and very beautiful.
So what does it feel like? Well, to me, 50 kind of feels softer. It feels feminine. It feels incredibly gentle and beautiful. Sure, menopause has been and gone, and with that comes all of the other gifts it leaves in its wake: less libido, my bones are not as strong, I have age spots showing up, my digestion has totally flipped, thanks to Ayurvedic remedies, my hot flushes are under control and my sleep is much better.
At 50, I feel more at peace. I feel wiser, sweet- tempered and happier than I have in many, many years. I am able to counsel myself when I feel worried or down. I look at life as though it is my adventure land to be discovered. I know that pain passes, that struggles don't linger, and that I can divert my path whenever I need to.
I know that to stay well, happy, and at peace, I need to surround myself with positive people, my home is my sanctuary, and that I can be my own best friend or worst enemy. I look at it this way: in the grand kitchen of life, I am the spice cabinet. I can heat things up and cool things down. I have total control over the flavors, the colors, and whatever I mess up can be composted away… you know what is good about compost? It grows richer food later. Such is life's adventures. The painful moments are the messed up meals that we grow and learn from, and the joyful moments are the sweet bits that we love to hold in our mouths for a little longer.
Moving forward, I want to be an old, old lady one day with long grey hair and the map of life on my skin. I want to slow down even more and enjoy every moment. I want to keep on being able to squat, stand on one leg, reach up high, walk for kilometers, and use the stairs without holding on. I am not interested in being young! (Been there done that!) Don’t get me wrong, youth is beautiful but to be looking down the lense while standing right on top of the hill, I can see where I have been, but I can also see that incredible scene of the future ahead. So I pick up my metaphorical back pack full of the many totems and tools I have collected along my way, swing it over my shoulders with joy and off I go down the hill.
In my 50’s I want to share with my loved ones and give to the world, but also hold on to a bit of extra gooey goodness to give to myself. Im ready to change the face of the old lady they sit in the corner. I will be bipolar perfect.. Up front on the dance floor looking up at the band, then in my dressing gown with my knitting needles, balanced, nourished, and grateful.
Life is a beautiful gift, with mum and dad gone, I am now pioneering my own path with no guidance from my living elders. As soon I will be older then they ever were. So I carry their spirits with me, and will share my experiences with them in my dreams.
How will I mark today? Well, I plan to go on a nice long hike, then a romantic dinner with my Mister. Tomorrow a lovely little gathering at home, with yummy food, mulled wine and hopefully lots of hugs, giggles and joy.
Thank you to all of you for being part of my life. I cherish each of you dearly.
Blessed be
Angela x
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